Apparently I live under a rock because I had no idea what a push present was until Kate and Carly mentioned the size of the diamond a coworker received. I was like, “What, why would that lady get a gift for pushing someone; shouldn’t she get fired?” (Not a direct quote). As it turns out, she pushed a baby through her lady parts and her husband gifted her a massive diamond ring. This is apparently a very common practice among the upper crust of the first world, and almost always comes in the form of diamond jewelry.
Now, maybe I don’t get it because I was broke as fuck when I had my child. Or it could be that I’m a jealous naysayer. Or maybe I'm of the opinion that having a brand new human is gift enough. Either way, I’ve prepared for you a quick list of things you could’ve done with the SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS you just spent on that push present:
- Start a college fund for the thing you pushed out.
- Make a payment on the nursery you just built.
- Save money for the bills that you’re currently racking up sitting in that hospital bed. They’re charging you $10,000 for a single diaper.
- Buy that obnoxious stroller that is wayyyy too expensive but all the moms at yoga will have. (This is me being judgmental about you, because you wanted diamonds as a gift for having a baby).
- Start a college fund for the thing you pushed out. Oh is that repetitive? Whoops.
Perhaps you have all the money and this list is irrelevant to you? Great. Congratulations on your new diamond and please donate a bunch of money to people who don’t have any.
If I ever have another baby I want my significant other to bring me a rare steak that I’ll eat with my hands and as I tear into it I’ll yell “DID YOU SEE THAT?! I JUST PUSHED A HUMAN PERSON THROUGH MY CERVIX. I AM NOT A PRINCESS I AM A GODDAMN WARRIOR!”