If you’ve ever been surrounded by a group of people who make a shit ton more money than you, then you’re aware of what pretension sounds like. They’re probably not trying to rub their money in your face, but here you sit with $40 in your checking account listening to a conversation about granite countertop imperfections and trips to Bali. Forget about putting on that fake British accent, here are some tips for sounding more pretentious.
- Talk about the last time you had a manicure and how much the nail artist messed it up. Better yet, talk about your nail artist because you know her by name and see her weekly. Call her “my girl.”
- Call it “the co-op” or “Whole Foods” do not ever say “grocery store.”
- Interrupt other people's vacation stories to tell them why that city was great 10 years ago.
- Complain A LOT about how inconvenient your assistant is.
- Complain more about how inconvenient and terrible your housekeeper is.
- Tell people whether the thing they like is authentic or inauthentic. Share your thoughts about authenticity on Facebook.
- No caffeinated beverage can be ordered with fewer than five words. If you want a regular coffee you have to say “fair trade light roast breakfast blend” to reach the proper word count.
- Talk about your piece of shit car that is fewer than two years old.
- Say things like “I used to like vintage stores, but now everyone shops there” and “oh god, I was listening to records before anyone else. I’ve never even downloaded digital music.” Make it clear that you singlehandedly built all of the trends.
- When you're at a restaurant with a group and the food is not to your liking, don't send it back. Push it around on your plate, and when the server asks if everything is okay just scoff and say things like "I just can't even" or "I don't know where to start."
- Take selfies every single time you’re at the airport. Complain about your flights not being on time and all the important things you have to do.
- Use the word “my” before stating the title of any person who works for you. My intern. My planner. My coordinator. These people are your property.
- Know how to pronounce the word Sommelier.
- Correct people when they mispronounce it (or any French word).
- Start saying “oui” instead of yes.
- Call the room of your house with the most windows The Solarium.
Have more tips? Leave them in the comments for me.