I've probably put more thought into this than most people, or any person if I'm being honest. Doughnuts are one of my favorite things, and will very likely become a regular stream of content for me here. So let's explore what sort of doughnut I would be, were I a doughnut.
I don't think I would be a cake doughnut, though I do love cake doughnuts. They're the original. Dense more than fluffy, a little crisp on the outside and sweet on the inside. I could maybe be a cake doughnut with frosting - like chocolate. No sprinkles though, fuck sprinkles. They're tasteless and just get on my pants. Then I stand up and there's a melty sprinkle stuck to the ass of my work trousers. No one will tell you when there's a sprinkle stuck to your ass, they'll just stare as you walk away and you'll be like "oh my bum must look extra good today" but really they're thinking "does that slob have a pink sprinkle stuck to her ass?" The answer is yes.
A cream-filled long john? Quit with your dirty jokes. Krispy Kreme had a long john with whipped cream in it, not custard, and man was that thing delicious. If a filled long john were a person they'd probably be pretty dumb, you know because they make a giant hole in the middle and fill it with goop. So no, not a long john.
Doughnut holes? No. Why are they so small? Don't make me feel bad about the amount of fried dough I want to put into my mouth. JUST BE FULL SIZE!
Then there's the apple fritter. Crispy and glazed, with lots of interesting nooks and crannies and tart apple surprises. A little bit messy, spiced with cinnamon and part of a different family than the rest of the doughnuts. Just slightly more complicated than your regular doughnut, but totally worth the time.
I am an apple fritter.