We used to be friends, or at least it felt that way to me. You knew me, I knew you. We went through ups and downs together. We even started to look alike!
Remember when you dated John? Oh my god what a train wreck that was. We could all see it coming and just kind of hid around the corner watching and waiting. He made for great material, didn’t he? Jake too! Ugh you guys were so adorable in your matching flannels drinking pumpkin spice lattes. Those breakups made you miserable, and I was so miserable all the time, and we were so close through it all.
Last year you released 1989 and it was like, “yes, yes, you know me. You get me.” Breakups and running away and living our dreams. “Take me into the woods!” I would scream with your album on loop while I read Sylvia Plath and retweeted Harold Pinter quotes. We were happy in our misery together.
But something changed. Gradually, over the last year maybe, I feel differently. It’s like you don’t get me anymore. There are these other friends now. Gigi and The Haims and Cara and St. Vincent and Karlie. It’s like you’re in the cool kids club, and it bothers me because I always thought I would be a part of that crew. You’re friends with the entire US Women’s Soccer Team? Really, Taylor? Really?
Which one of us was supposed to date a DJ? Me. I was. That was the agreement. You would always date dramatic acoustic guitarists and I would date DJs. But now you’re with Calvin, and it’s totally against girl code. Are you even getting any material out of him? Probably not. You’re both lame in your happiness.
Last night I saw a clip from your show in LA. You pulled Lisa Kudrow up on stage to sing Smelly Cat, and it was the last straw for me. I know I don’t have any musical talent, and I’m not famous or rich or even that nice really, but that should have been me. You know I love Friends! I wanted to duet Smelly Cat with Lisa Kudrow.
So, I think this is it. It has to be. I want you to know that I’m not jealous. That’s not it at all. I’m just, like, mad that you get to do these things that I want to do. And I really wish I had your life. I just resent your happiness and success is all.
I guess I’ll have to find someone else. I hear Lana is still sad. You’re not friends with her, right?
Holler at me if things go south with Calvin.
Your Former Friend,